Things I Learned In Vegas

In no particular order....

1. Aside from being lots of fun to say, "Franchise that shit" always wins points w/ the dealer.

2. While Johnny G may have a superior backspin, his centipede leaves a bit to be desired.

3. Loser, Loser Chicken Dinner, may not rhyme but might be a bit more appropriate this time around, eh?

4. If NYNY does indeed have a rain man suite, they're not giving it up to anyone named daddy wearing a loud Hawaiian shirt.

5. All I want is a smile.

6. Turbulence is a bitch. Always bring an extra pair of pants.

7. As a stand-alone, marmalade is far superior to grape or blackberry...or strawberry for that matter.

8. Hard Rock baby, Hard Rock.

9. Beer and OJ tastes strikingly like a mimosa.

10. At the blackjack table, maintaining two beers at the same time is a difficult task to master.

11. At the blackjack table, telling the pit boss to fuck himself is an even more difficult task if your goal is to continue play.

12. The pit boss on the grave-yard shift at the Monte Carlo wouldn't know a good time if it smacked him in the face.

13. The craps table is a great place to meet chicks.

14. I'm the asshole in the casino.

15. Ouch, my liver.

16. Ouch, my wallet.

17. When you have 15 and the dealer has a 6 showing, hit

18. When you're on 3rd base, you have 16, and the dealer is showing 6, hit.

19. Jon Lacey doesn't snore as much when he's not wasted.

20. Not showering for 2 1/2 days really doesn't matter when you're in Vegas

21. Hawaiian shirts guarantee success @ the tables and w/ the ladies

22. There's no such thing as $55 golf in Vegas

23. I SHOULDN'T drive, but I KNOW I can drive better than the next guy.

24. Hot women hanging out with loser guys at the Hard Rock might be getting paid to be there.

25. W/Regards to #24: We're fine with that.

26. 22 is my favorite number.

27. Other than urinating and pooping, booting can now be included as an appropriate activity in the comfort station.

28. Contrary to popular belief, Jon Lacey does aspire to proper golf etiquette (no booting while people are hitting!)

29. Ladies love Swec.

30. Pit bosses hate Jon Lacey

31. Everyone loves Grindle (or so he thinks/hopes)

32. Always double down on 11. Well obviously not in this case, we lost. You always double down on 11, it's like splitting aces.

33. The hardest frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

34. Bouncing dice into the cleavage at the end of the table, although extremely fun, is much more difficult than it looks.

35. Standing up on the chair at the black jack table, although extremely fun, we probably can't allow.

36. At IHOP you can order a big frickin' brownie for breakfast

37. Love them red heads.

38. Pool sticks are very easy to break.

39. Thanks for everything Frank.

40. AAAAAHHHHHH DA TITTIES!!!!!! ....... whoops, wrong trip.

***** Add Ons *****

41. Bachelor parties are a once in a lifetime good time. Valentines Day is a never-ending nightmare that reoccurs over, and over, and over, and over again.

42. Don't bother getting a players club card, because no matter how much you play, "its inconsequential" to the house

43. Calling the jackass at third base a "dumbass" gets the jackasss thrown out of the casino

44. You can buy a 750ml of tequila at Tavo for a measily $2,000.

45. All pricing in vegas follows the following simple math equation. Determine what you could logically be paid for goods and services, take that number, double it and add 1. For instance, a two dollar glass of orange juice could logically be sold for $3 in vegas, but is clearly worth $7.

46. Sweeney gets angry when he loses. Not really a vegas only rule, but enhanced two times plus 1.